Mum Guilt.

This week, I’ve chosen to take a step for myself. I’ve started working again in a studio for another milliner. I was really craving to be around other makers again, to work with different people and to be inspired. I find that working for other people broadens my horizon a little bit. It gives me space to think about things in a new light. Doing work for my own studio can be quite solitary, so getting outside of the studio- getting some air, speaking to new colleagues- is absolutely great for my sense of self.

Making time for myself and my own career doesn’t come without guilt. I have a lot of it. Mum guilt. I hated leaving Evie. And I also loved it at the same time , and then I felt guilty for loving it. I think that must be the definition of the term mum guilt. It should be anyway.

It’s hard to leave your little one, and at the same time it is incredibly liberating. Travelling on the tube is easy again - no pram you need to lug around. Waiting in line to get a tea isn’t tricky because you don’t have a little time bomb with you that’s about to run out of patience. Scrolling on your phone isn’t “setting a bad example”, having lunch feels like going to a spa because you don’t have a little 8 month old asking for more food or grabbing at your plate or putting sticky hands all over your freshly washed and ironed shirt. And as I look at my still prestine shirt and trousers without little bits of broccoli or potato on it I also feel a little sad. I think about her cute little cheeks and I am all of a sudden wanting those little finger prints on my jeans. I’m wanting those little sticky fingers tugging at my freshly washed hair. I am wanting hands poking my face, catching my nose or scratching me. I am missing my little one so much it hurts.

And when it’s time to go back to work I feel the feelings of freedom all over again. I’m doing something for myself, and it feels great. I’m working at my own career, at my own joy. Meeting new people and doing what I love... sewing the day away. And all of a sudden there is a glimmer of who I am again, who I was without our little girl. I will never be able to have guiltless me time again, and I think that that’s ok. Because I wouldn’t want for a life without my little girl and her sticky little fingers.

Am I still working on #Maman my new mum and baby hats? Of course It’s still very much my passion to get these lovely hats to you. What do you think about the visor I'm wearing at the top?

Wait and see for the rest of the collection, it’s all go go go my end!

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